Cancerboy Chronicles – Insomnia Journal

4:10 AM Four hours removed from my last pill of Chemo Protocol 6; Cycle 3 (or is it 4?) And WIDE AWAKE. The dog decided to try his luck and got up with me. He’s always hopeful I’ll hit the cold cut stash. Sorry, pal, not much of a snacker these days.

Today also marks the 9th day in a row that I haven’t left the house. A lifetime record for me. That breaks in a few hours when Dr. Jones here, gets taken to the groomer for a much needed Day of Beauty. I’ll try to send before and after shots.

All I can say about the last week is that it sucked dead wharf rats. But it got infinitesimally better each day, to the point that I feel good enough to go on a bitchy-woe-is-me-don’t-kick-the-dog exercise in total narcissism. Feeling safe that, what I think is narcissism, doesn’t come close to the modern day standard being put forth daily. Believe me.

And now: the Dark Part – My main gripe these days is that I don’t know where my chemo ends and the cancer starts. The aches and pains. The exhaustion. It all kinda* blends. I start my two-week off period now with the hope that I will get stronger before we start Cycle 4 (or is it 5?). It all boils down to QoL, Quality of Life. This week I would rate my QoL, Shitty but upright.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll keep saying it because it is the truest thing I have: I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of not living.
It will be three years this June since my first chemo protocol. That’s eight chemo drugs and one radioactive seed implant dance. That’s a lot of drugs, and the body can only take so much. It can be best described as a Joie de vivre sucking grind. It leeches the life out of you slowly every fucking day. Somedays I feel like Hal in 2001 getting his cyber lobotomy. If I start singing, Daisy…

OK! Is everybody cheered up? I might add that there are also insomnia days like today where I feel pretty darn good, thank you. So all is not lost. Like I mentioned above I am tasked with taking the dog for a haircut so that Timmy will venture outside of his cave. If only for a short while. I have another thing to look forward to, Not having to cover the Super Bowl™ [sign of the cross] Media Day for another year! YEA!

*A word on the sausage making here at Narssicisim Central. I use an app called Grammarly to write longer pieces. (I laid off my copy desk) There are two things that Grammarly hates about me.
1. My use of the word “kinda.”
2. It absolutely hates my “passive voice.”
Fuck you, Grammarly. That’s not so passive…
Oh yes…
3. It hates my use of ellipsis…

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.