Cancerboy Chronicles – Insomnia Journal

4:10 AM Four hours removed from my last pill of Chemo Protocol 6; Cycle 3 (or is it 4?) And WIDE AWAKE. The dog decided to try his luck and got up with me. He’s always hopeful I’ll hit the cold cut stash. Sorry, pal, not much of a snacker these days.

Today also marks the 9th day in a row that I haven’t left the house. A lifetime record for me. That breaks in a few hours when Dr. Jones here, gets taken to the groomer for a much needed Day of Beauty. I’ll try to send before and after shots.

All I can say about the last week is that it sucked dead wharf rats. But it got infinitesimally better each day, to the point that I feel good enough to go on a bitchy-woe-is-me-don’t-kick-the-dog exercise in total narcissism. Feeling safe that, what I think is narcissism, doesn’t come close to the modern day standard being put forth daily. Believe me.

And now: the Dark Part – My main gripe these days is that I don’t know where my chemo ends and the cancer starts. The aches and pains. The exhaustion. It all kinda* blends. I start my two-week off period now with the hope that I will get stronger before we start Cycle 4 (or is it 5?). It all boils down to QoL, Quality of Life. This week I would rate my QoL, Shitty but upright.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll keep saying it because it is the truest thing I have: I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of not living.
It will be three years this June since my first chemo protocol. That’s eight chemo drugs and one radioactive seed implant dance. That’s a lot of drugs, and the body can only take so much. It can be best described as a Joie de vivre sucking grind. It leeches the life out of you slowly every fucking day. Somedays I feel like Hal in 2001 getting his cyber lobotomy. If I start singing, Daisy…

OK! Is everybody cheered up? I might add that there are also insomnia days like today where I feel pretty darn good, thank you. So all is not lost. Like I mentioned above I am tasked with taking the dog for a haircut so that Timmy will venture outside of his cave. If only for a short while. I have another thing to look forward to, Not having to cover the Super Bowl™ [sign of the cross] Media Day for another year! YEA!

*A word on the sausage making here at Narssicisim Central. I use an app called Grammarly to write longer pieces. (I laid off my copy desk) There are two things that Grammarly hates about me.
1. My use of the word “kinda.”
2. It absolutely hates my “passive voice.”
Fuck you, Grammarly. That’s not so passive…
Oh yes…
3. It hates my use of ellipsis…

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Cancerboy Chronicles — Oh, the pain…

Spent the day in the ER. Moe was barking at me in a way that is tough to describe. Trying to decide if it was excruciating or hellacious. Whatever you call it, Percocets had no influence. Introduced to a new pain drug. Now we wait for the results of a CAT scan. Remains to be seen if I spend the night here.

Looks like the palliative phase of this journey begins. Onward…

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Cancerboy Chronicles – Chemo Sucks mini-Edition:

I’ve been bed-ridden the last two days. New chemo regimen knocks me on my ass. Basically slept for two days. Started my off week early yesterday. Days like that you wonder if this is what your life is going to be… Returned to the land of the living today. Not a moment too soon.

Was able to cook, do some cleaning and went to the driving range today! I’m comin’ for you, Rich Pilling!!! [Looks into camera, “He’s gonna kick my ass.”]

Onward…

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Cancerboy Chronicles – Chemo, 5th time’s a charm?

#5… Today starts my fifth separate chemo protocol. It consists of two drugs I have previously taken. Just not at the same time. Who has more fun than us? Onward…

arm

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Behold my innards…

I was going to post a more substantive missive here, but the reality of my cancer seemed disproportionate to the graphic you’re about to see here…  Behold my innards… Ain’t they purdy?  Anyway…

I love you all. I am absorbing my chance to play golf as a normal person. I love my golf moments.  I also know that my days, as much as I live in the moment, are numbered. Bless you all who reject my notions of my timeline.  ONWARD!!!

liver

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Cancerboy Chronicles…

I’ll make this one fast.

I spy on my MRI: Moe, Larry, Curly and now Shemp. I hate Shemp.

More when I’ve had a chance to digest this. Very disappointed.

Onward…

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Cancerboy Chronicles: Outliving your initial prognosis edition…

tim1958Today I turn 60. This, by itself, is not a big deal. However, two years ago I felt – and was sure that – I would be dead today. This morning I woke up at 5am with severe pain in my abdomen. That’s the first time I’d felt that kind of breathtaking pain in several months. There was no doubt that is was my cancer (The 3 Stooges) making sure I remember that at any time, I can be taken. There comes a moment in times like this morning, where you have to decide If you wake your wife and tell her you need to go to the hospital. Fortunately, The double-dose of Percocet kicks in and you get to live a normal life. — If only for another day.

I am lucky to have Sue. I am lucky to have the friends I have. I am lucky that I have outstayed my welcome. Onward…

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Hot, humid weather is doubly bad these days…

My Balloon Flower's first bloom of the season.(Platycodon Grandiflorus) Tim Farrell 2016©

My Balloon Flower’s first bloom of the season.(Platycodon Grandiflorus) Tim Farrell 2016©

Tappan NY – Just went out of the house to admire the first Balloon Flower bloom of this season.  I had feared that we lost it over the winter. Alway a latecomer to the garden, there it was, just as I was giving up hope of seeing it.

The bad news is that I have zero tolerance for hot and humid weather.  I guess I can thank two years of chemo for that.  (Not that I was very tolerant of H&H before.)  The walk to the plant was about 12 yards and back. I was struggling to breath normally as I made my way back to the house.

If you need me, I’ll be in my air conditioned house all day.

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Cancerboy Chronicles: Nothing to Report Edition*

TF_6-30-16I don’t give it too much weight – but it’s been two years since I started chemo. I don’t “celebrate” the anniversary of my diagnosis, which was a few weeks ago – I leave that to Facebook to send me a “Memories” reminder.

I am strengthened by your support and by the Rock which is Sue. Anyway, two years ago I truly didn’t think I’d still be here clogging up the internet with this narcissistic gobbledygook. But here I am. [big long raspberry]

That is all.

*Notice I didn’t write “addition” this time?

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Cancerboy Chronicles: The UPS truck…

There was a time when I got excited when the UPS guy came to my door. Now… ‪#‎chemosucks‬ ‪#‎pillsandpotions‬ ‪#‎pills‬ ‪#‎betterlivingthroughchemistry‬‪#‎cancersucks‬

chemo

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